Thursday 7 May 2015

... if I die...?

...
I was the root cause of everything...
... so if I die...?
Will it make things better...?

... can you give me the answer...?
It's been 8 years since dad is gone...
Things get worsened day by day ever since...

... I thought I could make a different...
I never thought I'd make it even worse.
So let me ask....?
If I die.... will it change things...?
Will it make things better...?
If it does.....
...
...
......



Should I say "thanks... and goodbye..."?

Thursday 26 February 2015

In Loving Memories; Grandpa (A Tribute For You)

He was borned on 10th May 1936.
His origin was from Uma Apan Long Mejawah.
Some people, I mean, most wouldn't know the existence of this place.
So here's a quick brief...
Located at the heart of Sarawak.
Situated just few miles away from Malaysia's biggest hydroelectric dam;
Bakun Hydroelectric Dam

Stood for decades by Malaysia's longest river;
Rajang River

Miles upstream and you'll see the dam.

Just a relative with his daily routine, fish netting.
...

A river, that has been their source of incomes...
Source of reliance.
... for decades...
A river, that once devoured the whole village.
They stood still; even rebuilt the village.

...

This man...
It's an old photo, I got it scanned. The picture is badly stained... The red marks on his face are just inks. Buildings behind are no longer exist after the heavy flood in the early 90's.

Was no one but a farmer.
Once a pilot for an express boat that carries people all the way from Kapit to Bakun.
Once nearly took his life away for the boat burned in an accident.
His life, was nearly taken twice, by the flood and the fire... (that's as far as I knew, he never spoke much)
He then married to a woman from Uma Nyaving Long Mejawah.
Another native village, just few steps away from Uma Apan.
He then moved out and stayed with his beloved wife, here in Uma Nyaving.
... and this house is built...

May not be beautiful, but it kept two souls warm and happy.






Their turf that I promised to make a fish pond on it.

They don't have electricity, and the generator doesn't always work. These, kept them brightened.

He...
Was known to be a very... very strong-hearted... strong-willed man...
He never forget about those people in Uma Apan, and yet contributed dearly for Uma Nyaving.

Ever heard of World Wresting Federation (WWF)...?
It is known as World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) now.
He was a freaking fanatic fan of it.
Until he was known as, the Hogan.
Yes, he loves Hulk Hogan.
They named him that, after his attitude.
... and he loves it...

He...
Was a huge fan of Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohammad as well.
He told me, he shook hand with him when Tun visited the village.
Thus becoming his fan, and each time Tun appeared on TV, he be like:
"Oh look, it's Mahathir..."
... with a smile on his face.
Having no idea that he is replaced by three Prime Ministers already.
For him, Mahathir is always the best.

He...
Was a very happy man.
He may not be able to read though he likes to flip the newspapers, but I tell you one thing...
He played badminton well!
He can make services through the gaps of his legs.
He returned every hits accurately.
His only weakness was his stamina.
... but how many grandparents out there that could play badminton as he's still mid 30's... at the age of 60's?

He was well-loved by everyone.
... everyone...

When grandma parted on 2009.
That was the first time I saw him shed his tears.
The tears from a man who never knew the meaning of physical pain.
Did I mentioned he survived a burned boat accident...?
Yes I did.
He still have those scars all over his arm and body.
Yet, no pain gives more pain than losing someone you promised to spend the whole life with.
I swear...
He cried his heart out. He said:
"Dear love... why'd you leave me...? Who am I worth working hard for now..."

He...
Lived alone, ever since.
Working on his farms.
Harvesting his crops.
Maintaining the house he was left with.
He stayed, loyally, here in Uma Nyaving.
Refused to go back Uma Apan...

He then suffered various illnesses.
From gout, to dengue;
From high blood pressure, to the latest;
Tuberculosis
He... never stopped praying. This sight... is from where I'm sitting. How hurtful it is to see him in this pose almost everyday...? He was then sent to the hospital, just few days after this picture is taken.

He... fought hard... real hard to survive.

That slowly "breaks" his bones.
Weakening his body parts, until a point where he was unable to lift his own body.
... not to mention walking...
His lungs then got infected.
His heart getting weaker.
He losses his appetite to eat.
He losses the senses that he didn't even know he pooped his pants.
He... was literally, broke down to pieces...

I never knew, that day was the last time I'd carry him to the shower.
Bathed his entire body, foamed him, rubbed him.
Carrying him was a real challenge.
I regretted I sighed a lot.
Well, that's because I was too weak to carry such weight alone.
If I knew he would part this soon, I'd bath him everyday.
I'd carry him though it'll break my spine.
I'd abandon everyone around me just to stay with him.
Spending every last bits of his time, staying with him.

Dear grandpa,
... you left too soon...
Too soon that you haven't had the chance to sit on my future car.
For me to carry you until Sabah.
I'd love to let you see the sea view from there.
You never stepped outside Sarawak.
Wait...
You've seen every child of my siblings, but not mine...
They didn't managed to see their Hulk Hogan.
Didn't managed to see your scars.
At least, that'll motivate them like you motivated me.
Too soon, grandpa...
Too soon...

Well, at least...
Your suffering ended.
How pitiful you were, grandpa...
I'm glad you're finally with God.
In a better place, watching over us...
Do watch us.

He parted,
... just a day after my birthday...
Just a few hours after my birthday...
It's a date to remember.
12th February 2015


Carrying his cradle was a real challenge as well. Crossing the river, climbing a slippery hill just to reach his spot. We managed to reach the spot without slipping though. God have mercy on us all...

Lid is closed. His belongings are all placed here with him.

"Dear love... please take me with you. End my suffering..."
That...
Was the last sentence he said, before he was admitted into the hospital, he parted a week after...

We... missed you already.
May your soul rest in peace alongside of grandma and dad.
With God's blessing.
I love you...
We love you...
For eternity...

This house, will be left.
... but I promise, we'll come here often to maintain it for you.
I promise I'll make it a better home for your grandchildren to see.
I'll bring them here.
By then, I could've brought in electricity.
Perhaps,
television, Astro, fridge, air-conditioner, water-filter
and perhaps,
a fish pond by your house side...

You'll see, grandpa...
You'll see...

You, who have gone, but shall not be forgotten...

End...

Prayers:

"Dear Father, who art in heaven;
Holy be Your name;
Your kingdom come;
You will be done on Earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread;
Forgive us today for our sins,
As we forgive those who sins against us.
Do not bring us to the test;
But deliver us from evil.
Amen..."

“Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.”

R.I.P
Beloved grandpa, a father and a lover
David Mering Anyie
10/5/1936 - 12/2/2015

...

A Glimpse of My Village
Used to be crowded, full of children. As years passed by, it became empty. People started to move out for living.

Neighbours are all but bunch of relatives, blood family.

The only kindergarten and it's still operative.

Going down straight to the river. It's nearly 16 degree Celcius around here in the morning.


Along these trees, underneath them, lies the fractures of the building after the heavy flood. They rebuilt the village on higher ground.





Grandpa's hut and his land.

"Buah pinang" and the cutter or what we called as "Katik". Took me nearly 15 mins just to strip one cleanly.


For you grandpa, I shall be happy. I'll take over the family from now on. Watch me...

Sunday 4 May 2014

Dream That Felt So Real...

Ever had a dream that felt so real...?
A dream that made you feel like you don't wanna get up from your sleep
and keep dreaming on...?
A dream... that actually made you really feel...
alive...?
--------------------------------------------
It was just a regular day.
I was preparing to go to work... but then I saw mum...
In an outfit that I haven't seen for quite some times already.
She looks sparkling...
Picture taken at Genting Highland on 1998, this is exactly how she looks like in the dream.
"Mum, where are you going...?"
"I'm fetching dad, you wanna come...?"
... her phone rang before I could say anything, but in my mind "Mum must be drunk again, haiizzz~..."

"Dad will be here today, get dressed well..."
I'm still with my thought that mum is drunk... so I moved on to my car, almost departing for work.
Until the sky turned cloudy and dark at instance.
As far as I loved rain, it was my first time fearing the dark sky.
It turned too swiftly...
So I got out from the car, running back into the house.

"Dad is here, son..."
"Mum, are you alright...? You're creeping me out. Just how many glasses did you drank last night that you're behaving like this..?!"
Mum walks out, approaching a taxi that parked around 20 meters away from our house.
I couldn't see clearly, but my curiousity drives me outside.
As a man stepped out from that taxi, a thunder struck the road just in from of my eyes..!
I couldn't believe what I saw..!
I shouted "MUM! GET BACK HERE! IT'S DANGEROUS...!"
Heavy rain dropped as heavily that it hurt the skin upon impact.
Exaggerated much, eh...?
... but that exactly how it feels like..!
Not a real picture, but best describes the situation.

Worrying that I might get struck by the lightning, I ran in.
Soaked... cold...
Lightning kept on striking the road, it made the whole earth shaking.
I'm worry about mum.
--------------------------------------------
A few moment later, mum came back with a smile on her face.
She's terribly soaked even her make up worn off her faces.
"Son, dad is here... say hi..."

A man... stood tall...
A height that was once very familiar...
The scent...
The clothes...
... and surprisingly, he's not wet at all...!
Approached me...
I can't really tell, but I can't see his eyes because he's still with his dark shades.
... but damn...
It's just.... too familiar.... too similar to the one I used to be with...
Dad in 1998, fine looking old man, huh...?

I still can't believe my eyes...
"It's dad, son..."
A huge loud thunder strikes again just after mum said that.
It's like it is forbidden for dad to be here...
Forbidden... to be resurrected...?
It is God's power, I don't know...
I can't really tell...
... but my instinct told me that, it IS my dad...

I walked towards him slowly.
Realizing that maybe his time is short, I ran onto him...
Hugging him...
Yes...
These arms... this height... this feeling...
these... heartbeats...
IT IS DAD, HE'S BACK...!

".. pa...?" I asked...
Maybe the rain was too loud, he couldn't catch it.
"Huh...?" he asked...
I looked up...
... then I shouted...
"PAAAAAA~...!"
He laughed and says "Ohhh~, pa..."
I don't know, but I think dad is here but with his memory a bit lost...
I don't think he remembered me well.
The very moment when I hugged him, a lot of things went through my mind.
"Dad, I'm gonna bring you to my workplace... I'm gonna bring you for a tour in Bintulu to see how developed it is now... I wanna let you see how I drives... I wanna let you see my girl... and most of all, I wanna take a lot a lot a lot of pictures with you..."

Just before I wanted to say those things out, my alarm rang...
MY SCUMBAG ALARM RANG...!
I woke up with tears...
"Dad..."
...
"I missed you a lot..."
-----------------------------------------
Dear God...
If the dream means anything, do tell me what it is...
I'm clueless...
Out of all the dreams I had about him, this one is too realistic...
...
God...
Is it possible...?
For Thy to bring him back to me...?
-------------------------------------------
Dad...
Wherever you are right now...
You know how I feel right now the most...
You've seen it by yourself...
I missed you a lot, dad...
Did I grow up according to plan...?
I grew up, dad...
I grew up...
----------------------------------------
Bless us...
Watch over us...
We miss you...
Dad's last hug with mum on 2006

Dad's last hug with me on 2006

Our last dinner together on 2006

In loving memories... 2007

Dad, this is for you...
Look at me...
I'm growing well, didn't I...?
1993

1995

1998

26/4/2014
Thanks for those who read this lame entry of mine.
I'm keeping it here so I won't forget about it...

p/s: Soundtrack used "Perfect" by Simple Plan (Piano)

Thursday 24 October 2013

Just Let It Be...

...
"what are words if you really don't mean them when you say them...?"
"what are words if they're only for good time then they're done...?"

Did you know...
Some people tend to be very serious
no matter how crappy a word can be...?
... some words, they hide their own messages
only a really special person may know...


Some people...
They put hope and faith in some words
that came out from a person's mouth...
A person who they rely on
for comfort and happiness...

...
but what are those if they're just words..?
Without any sincerity...
Without any honesty...

------------------------------------------------

When you found that someone...
Don't use words
with the thought that it'll keep things forever.
Things change as time flies...
There's no such thing as "forever"...
What started always have their own endings,
it's either a happy one, or a sad one...

Instead...
Prove them out with action
with a lil bit of sincerity and honesty...
No matter how small or crappy thing is,
it'll mean a lot...
To that someone...

------------------------------------------------

...
as thing comes to an end...
disappointment is an essential
no one could ever resist...
but just let it be...

Things which meant to be ours, it'll come back...
Things which are not meant to, will go...
...
and when you're waiting for something,
be patient...
When the time is right, it'll come eventually...

It's just a test...
A test that'll teach us...
On how to be a better person...
To know what is right to do and what is wrong..
To be a grown up...!

Just let it be...
Patience is a virtue...
Move on...
Cherish life...


(bear in mind, this is just a saying... I'm not pointing on anyone anyhow. It's just a thought I get for what had happened recently, there's nothing to do with anyone both in real life or the virtual...)
thanks for the time reading
^__^

Saturday 19 October 2013

Happiness I Saw...

...
there's a time when I think
I'm actually a cool guy who look calm in everything I do...
everything I feel...
everything I saw...

...
but what happened recently
made me realized...
I'm still just a kid...
with childish mindset, got jealous of "something" which not even meant to be mine...

I mean,
why would I put such high expectation and hope
at the first place..?
I just don't get it...
All I get is just pain...

-------------------------------------------

...
but there's one thing I'm highly satisfied of...
when I saw happiness
not mine
but on the faces of other people around me...

Even it feels like I'm actually stabbing myself...
but it actually worth the pain
coz I feel their happiness...

I don't mind losing...

-------------------------------------------

Something happened...
Something I never thought would happen
after all those shits I've done...
after all those time and effort I've sacrificed...
but yeah,
as long as there's happiness in them...
It's worth it...

-------------------------------------------

I don't take anyone's happiness away...
Even it kills me,
I'll keep on enduring...

-------------------------------------------

16 October 2013

Thanks to these people...
Audrey, Chris, Kang, John, Shiong, Allan
for brightening up the day for me.

To be honest,
I am really really really happy to know you guys...
Too bad, few weeks left and we'll part from each other...
Just why didn't we knew each other earlier..?

I'll see you guys, no matter how far you are, I'll drive my ass there to find you guys!
I promise I will...!
Coz on these faces, I found my own happiness...
=')

Kang Potter with the hilarious spec he bought ^_^
They're cute in their own ways...
Can't swim, no problem! We do it crab style... =P (sorry, I dunno the name of this fella on the left >_< forgive me)
Humbled myself in the middle of good looking friends... =D
The sum up of the day, priceless smiles on their faces which granted me happiness...

There's always next time guys...
Let us create the happiness, our ways...
^__^

Thanks to:
Sharon, Gibbson, Diana, Liza, Edwin and some other new friends I just knew as well for all the moral supports given after what had happened recently...
(sorry, my bad not knowing you guys earlier, should have put your names here as well as a sign of my appreciation)
Thank you, people!